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Humans naturally grieve the loss of a beloved pet. However, surviving pets can react to the loss too. And the evidence continues to grow with case studies by animal behaviour experts showing “a wide variety of animals have been found to mourn the loss of their close companions.” *

There are many firsthand accounts of animals grieving also; you may have experienced this in your household?  One example is referred to in the book ‘Buddhism for Pet Lovers’, where Author David Michie tells us of a parrot who had recently lost her mate and says “in the days and weeks since, she had pulled every feather out of her chest and even pecked into her own skin, such was her grief.” This anecdotal observation is quite common. It isn’t unusual that a client mentions to me that they now have a surviving pet that ‘just isn’t himself or herself’. That they find it distressing and heartbreaking to witness their grieving pet. This has been my experience also. Often people feel helpless and don’t know what to do, if anything to assist their surviving pet.  So, if you have noticed your pet may be grieving the loss of a housemate, it can be a good idea to keep the following in mind….

• Behavioural changes in the surviving pet are usually noticed by the pet parent after the loss – despondency, searching, wailing, social withdrawal, pawing, sniffing, gathering, changes in eating and/or sleeping etc. with “most of the behaviors falling under the category of distress reactions,” says Katherine Pankratz, clinical behavioral medicine resident and American College of Veterinary Behaviourists resident at the N.C. State University College of Veterinary Medicine. “It can be because of the loss of their companion or the change in routine or the owners’ reactions.” +

• Just as the humans in the household will need time to adjust to their ‘new normal’, so too will the surviving pets.  Remember no two pets will be alike, and some mightn’t show any outward signs. If you are concerned at any time about the welfare of your pet, a vet visit is recommended to rule out other illnesses.

• Stick to a routine with your surviving pet as much as possible, this can be particularly helpful if they are anxious. Keep to a familiar play time and feeding time.

• Don’t be too quick to add another pet to the household. The good intention you have of perhaps soothing and comforting your surviving pet with another, may exacerbate stress. If you are ready yourself to get another pet, then that’s great, but bringing another animal into the household can upset any equilibrium there might be at the time.

• Provide exercise and interaction, whether a gentle walk, or some ball throwing or other activities but mostly be respectful of your pet, don’t rush them to do anything, just as you can’t rush your own grief or that of another human being, it isn’t wise to do this with our pets either. Be patient with them.

• Some extra cuddles are highly recommended. Alternatively, if your pet wants some alone time, then respect that boundary also.

• Take care of yourself. Express how you feel with trusted family and friends and if you require support that is outside of your circle, a pet loss counsellor that understands the significance of the loss of a pet may be helpful too.

“We humans don’t own love or grief – these emotions are widespread in other animals,” – Dr Barbara J King.

* The Orca’s Sorrow. King, Barbara J., Scientific American, 00368733, Mar 2019, Vol. 320, Issue 3.

+ https://www.newsobserver.com/living/pets/article60433361.html#storylink=cpy

When it comes to grieving, many people are blindsided as to how different their experience of grief is from what they had expected. There are moments or days when you feel you have a handle on things, then there are moments or days you feel so tired of the fight, it feels like a sucker punch that literally brings you to your knees.

One thing is for sure, the topsy-turvy nature from one moment or day to the next when we are grieving can lead to a feeling of uncertainty. We humans, all of us, are sense-making creatures and we do this by seeking simple descriptions from the world around us. But grieving is far from simple. It is complex, and full of ups and downs and this can make it hard at times to imagine feeling better at all, or of ever improving, or progressing or moving forward. We can often question our ‘progress’ – asking ourselves will I ever feel whole again?  You might think, I’ve been fine, now I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out!  In any case, conceptualising ‘progress’ in grief can be hard due to its fluctuating nature and the fact that there is no specific trajectory or endpoint.

It can be helpful to be mindful of the following things when trying to ‘measure progress’ in grief.

–
It’s wise not to compare or measure yourself in the present moment to who you were prior to losing your beloved pet. Things are different now, you are different now, and your loss has had an impact upon you and your life. Don’t beat yourself up for this, we are all changed by loss. If you got out of bed, if you showered, if you managed a telephone call or a little walk, perhaps you saw the sunshine for the first time in a little while, feel proud of yourself.

–
Proposed theoretic models of stages and tasks in grief are “responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss” (helpguide.org).  Don’t be concerned about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in. You are unique, and that’s completely okay.

–
Be aware of the pressure and expectations, subtle or otherwise that family, friends, co-workers etc (society) may place on you about your ‘pace of grieving’ as this can lead again to questioning yourself about how you are doing, and the progress you have or haven’t made. Remember everyone is different, as is every loss.

Learning to adapt to life without your beloved pet by your side can be very hard. As mentioned there will be ups and downs, that’s one thing we can be sure of in grief. If you are finding the intensity of how you are feeling is overwhelming you and you need support, seek out a non-judgemental person to talk with.

“Healing from grief isn’t the result of smoothly navigating a journey. Healing from grief is what happens when you get up each day and decided to keep walking” – Litsa Williams & Eleanor Haley.

Pic Credit: justin-koblik-431935-unsplash

The death of a beloved pet due to ageing and deterioration is deeply painful in and of itself but when we are faced with sudden and/or a forced loss or death of a pet, it can be especially traumatic and hard to cope with. It is a pet parents’ worst nightmare and to be brutally honest, a living hell.  This type of loss is often fraught with incomplete endings.

Some of the types of losses I am referring to here are….

• Stolen pet/s
• Pets that have run away
• Death of a pet due to an accident
• Forced relinquishment of a pet e.g. new accommodation restricts pets
• Domestic violence where a pet has been killed
• Missing or death of pets due to a natural disaster such as bush fire, floods etc.
• Sudden medical episodes that cause rapid decline and death

Understandably a range of emotions can be felt in response to these types of losses, from shock and disbelief, guilt, helplessness, low mood, panic, anxiety and hyper-vigilance, regret, blame, and resentment toward others and self.  In the case of a missing pet, hope can turn to grief and despair with a seesaw of emotions.  The combination of emotions can be paralyzing.

Guilt and regret can loom large and compound feelings of grief and in the longer term have a negative impact in our lives. A feeling of deserving blame for a sense of inadequacy can be all consuming, we wish things to have been different, better, and so forth. Our brains grapple to make sense of what has happened; we are logical creatures that seek out answers even when sometimes there are none.  And then when we are unable to make sense of or construct a narrative that has a logical beginning, middle and end in our harrowing situation, the most common response to deal with such a situation is conscious repression of the bad memories and feelings.

After our loss we see things ‘in hindsight’ which allows us to look back upon and be critical of what has occurred.

Ideally we would love to bestow all the love and care for our pets, as they do for us, but we humans are fallible and even in the face of our best efforts, sometimes the unthinkable happens. Any strongly bonded pet parent does the best for their pet at any given time, with the information and knowing they have, AT THAT TIME; it is so important to remember this when guilt and regret have moved in and have set up home with us and have made our hearts heavy.

It is also important to remember your response to such a situation will be unique. Don’t compare your bereavement to anybody else’s.  It is worthwhile knowing that your loss will inevitably be felt on an emotional and physical level, with some people finding it hard to make decisions, or experiencing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) including flashbacks during waking hours and nightmares upon sleeping.

In getting through this heart wrenching time there are some things you can do –

• Focus on other pets in your household
• Make frequent and small daily decisions to feel some control. Big decisions can wait
• Find someone you feel comfortable, and express openly how you are feeling
• Join an online pet loss support chat so that you are supported by other pet parents who “get it’
• Write a letter to your pet
• Schedule grief time
• Let yourself off the hook, show yourself some compassion
• Identify that you are in fact grieving and give yourself permission to grieve.
• Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed about grieving the loss of your pet harder than that of a human loved one.

The types of losses mentioned here can be especially tough to deal with given their nature, give yourself time and care and seek the help of a professional pet loss counsellor if you need support.

Traditionally Christmas is a time to celebrate and to reflect. A time to gather with family and friends and share stories and memories since the last time you were all together.

We also share Christmas either in the company of or carrying the memories of our beloved pets. Pets in all of their varied types, colors, and sizes who have touched our hearts, some even more so than human members of our family.

The memory of our beloved pets can be so vivid.  There will be beautiful reminders in photos or videos of course and items that we treasure, plus those emotional memories closest to our hearts. To recall those memories, did you know the inseparable bond we develop with our pets is energetically embedded in our DNA, there to be relived at a moments notice?

To recall those precious memories, you can take a moment to do this simple exercise, one that will take you to the source of the emotions and the love you hold. Before you do please place close to you a photo or a physical item belonging to your pet. Sit comfortably either on a chair or on a cushion on the floor. Sit with a straight back and neck, shoulders back and relaxed. Your hands can be resting in your lap.

Take a few long deep breaths exhaling completely through your mouth emptying your lungs. Do this suddenly with an audible sound something like – ahhh. Repeat this three or four times. This technique releases tension in the mind and body. Now close your eyes and breathe only through your nose, your mouth will remain shut. Start very calmly by following the passage of your breath as it quietly flows into your lungs. At the bottom and top of each breath pause for a moment before continuing.

On your next incoming breath imagine that your breath is flowing directly into your heart center. As it does, sense that it is expanding throughout your chest region. As you breathe out imagine that you are exhaling any sadness, pain or grief you are holding for your beloved pet. Now as you breathe in again imagine on your incoming breath, you are drawing into your body your love for and the joy your pet has bought into your life. This exercise can be of great benefit in helping to heal emotional pain. Repeat this cycle of breathing with your imagery for several minutes. Continue with the happy memories being the focus as you breathe, and for that happiness to perpetually radiate throughout your whole body. You may notice a lightness in your being or a sense of expansion or both.

Now pick up the item you chose before we began this exercise, gaze at it for a moment, and on your incoming breath draw in the love and joy that this object brings to you. Allow all of those precious moments: the bonding, the relationship you had over the years, the laughs, the ‘look’ only pets can give us, their favorite toy, their personality, all of the emotions that you hold so dearly, allow them all to be fully present in this moment. These emotions flow across you like a surging wave, each wave a different memory, until, they all merge into one – love. Continue this for as long as you feel the love in this connection.

This visualization exercise is very potent for bringing back the richness of our memories but in these memories there lies a more profound truth. Many believe our pets actually choose us as their guardians. There is an energetic connection, a divine providence between a pet and its owner, an undeniable bond, beyond just a physical choice. A subtle alignment on a much deeper level, one can call it a spiritual pairing. That bonding can be so strong there are accounts of pet owners seeing their beloved pet after they have passed.

Our pets, of course, become our teacher’s in the years they spend with us. They can teach us friendship, patience, joy, self-giving, responsibility, care, how to love unconditionally, spontaneity, loyalty and so much more. And we repay their love also unconditionally. Who can resist the welcoming ‘wag’ of a tail when returning home, or that all so human smile, or that cry or welcoming call?

The grief in losing a pet can in part be healed, especially if you are no longer able to have a pet by trying out some things at this time of year; they can include:

Donating to a charity that supports disadvantaged animals. This kind gesture keeps your loving memory alive while providing for the welfare of others.

Travel to a council park area dedicated to dogs, where you could sit and watch the different breeds playing while talking to their owners, and sharing together fond memories.

Volunteer your time at a local animal shelter.

Planting a tree or garden in honour of your pet.

The manner in which pets touch our hearts is a priceless gift. Each in their unique way has bonded with us, and its because of this bonding that we are better individuals. Whether as long-term partners or through brief encounters our lives are enriched. And at this time of year, we can rejoice and celebrate them as kindred souls and offer gratitude for their loving presence.

As always be kind to yourself xo.

After a loss, we may experience a range of intense feelings, such as sadness, anger, anxiety, disbelief, panic, relief, irritability or numbness. Grief can also affect our thinking. We may think we will never get over this, or that we are going crazy.

The loss of my beloved Cattle-X-Kelpie, Boofey, instigated so many questions, but one of the first I had was: How long am I going to feel like this? I know I’m not alone in having asked this question. After a significant loss, the world is uncertain and confusing, the pain overwhelming, and “coping with the grief process may present the greatest of emotional and other personal challenges to be confronted” (McKissock and McKissock). Why wouldn’t we ask questions such as how long does grief last?

Our culture would have us believe that grief should only last a few weeks to a few months. This simply does not usually line up with the actual experience of someone that is grieving! Many researchers have sought to provide answers by looking at how long symptoms of grief usually last. The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), published by the American Psychiatric Association, the definitive guide for clinicians and insurance companies in the diagnosis and treatment of mental illness includes grief for more than 2 weeks—even after the death of a loved one—as a symptom of Major Depressive Disorder.

But there are a multitude of factors that influence how long grief may last e.g. type of loss, our personalities, secondary losses, cultural expectations, gender, belief systems, compound losses etc. To put it simply there is no time-frame for grief, it is as individual as you are, and as unique as the relationship you had with your beloved pet. Now, all this variability surrounding time-frames of grief may cause you to feel defeated; often we just want an answer! As there isn’t one definitive answer, and in the immediacy of a new loss, grief is usually at its strongest, there are some things to remember.

We can move into what is referred to as integrated grief, where bittersweet memories arise occasionally and for quite some time, even years, but do not overwhelm when us when they do. We can take a series of small steps, and choices, regardless of how bad the situation is; this is something we do have control over. It is possible to heal, with your beloved pet in your heart always. Forever remembered.

More so, if there’s one thing that everybody from researchers to bereaved persons generally agree on, it’s that time helps. According to The Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement, (85–90%) of people find that with the support of their family and friends and their own resources, they gradually find ways to learn to live around their grief, and do not need to seek professional help.

Sometimes however, the circumstances of the death may have been particularly distressing, such as a traumatic or sudden death, or there may be circumstances in your life which make your grief particularly acute or complicated. If you are finding it difficult to manage on a day-to-day basis, it may be helpful to see a counsellor or other health professional. It’s okay to admit you are struggling with your grief. No-one will think any less of you if you ask for help along the way. If you are looking for support from a Counsellor who listens to understand, you can find out more about me at www.bymyside.net.au or www.bymysidecounselling.net.au

Be kind, patient and gentle with yourself. You deserve it!

If we are lucky our beloved pets will live long, healthy lives but sadly, we know the end must come eventually.

As a pet parent we are faced with one of the most distressing decisions anyone can ever make for an ill or aging pet that is a beloved friend, and that is euthanasia. I often witness the struggle people face surrounding end-of-life decisions for their pets. I have also personally experienced this heartrending time with my own beloved pets, and one thing I am certain of is that our feelings cannot be spared.  However, there are some things that we can do to prepare and plan to make things a bit easier.

What can we do for our pets, ourselves and our families at this time?

Be informed.

Learn about your pet’s diagnosis / degenerative disease and what might be to come.

Is there any chance of spontaneous recovery or cure?

Talk to your Veterinarian about euthanasia and the process.

Step outside your circle.

Find someone you can trust, outside of the picture that you can discuss things with.

Quality of life.

Use the Quality of Life Scale (QOL) developed by Dr. Alice Villalobos to assess your pet’s quality of life. This Scale measures:

Hurt,

Hunger,

Hydration,

Hygiene,

Happiness,

Mobility and

More good days than bad.

There are other Scales available including pain assessment scales that are freely available on the internet also.

Remember, pets live in the moment – (Dr. Andy Roark).  Ask yourself….

How is my pet right NOW?

Am I making this decision for me, or my pet?

Why do I think it might be time for euthanasia?

What are my fears and concerns about euthanasia?

Whose interest am I considering (besides my own) when I am making this decision?

What are the fears and concerns of the people around me?

Involve children.

If old enough, children should be part of the decision-making process.

Take lots of photos and videos. Don’t push your pet to do things he or she is no longer capable of in fulfilling an unrealistic bucket list.  Spending time and having cuddles and pats are enough.

Ultimately, decisions on behalf of your pet need to come from you, the pet parent.  If someone else makes the decisions for you, this could cause ongoing resentment in your relationship.  If you have time, and there are no emergencies, steady yourself and think things through, planning can definitely ease some of the distress for you, and your beloved buddy.

IT TAKES STRENGTH, OUR STRENGTH.

If you are going backwards and forwards with decisions that need to be made on behalf of your pet, and/or you need emotional support with the ongoing caring role of your pet, please get in touch. I have supported many people through the emotional considerations that need to be made at this time. My heart is with you and I am by your side, always.

Vicky.

Losing my pet has been devastating.

The bond we shared cannot be described in words.

I feel so empty and sad.

So, why don’t some people seem to understand the depth of my pain?

There are certain losses in which an individual’s grief goes unrecognized and unacknowledged, a phenomenon that has been coined disenfranchised grief (Doka, 1989).  Typically, this type of grief is mourning of a loss from which we are cut off from supports, and our feelings minimised by other people.  Sadly, pet loss falls into the category of disenfranchised grief.

In her book Grieving the Death of a Pet, Betty Carmack states “there is a perceived prejudice that this type and depth of grief is pathological, it can’t be normal.”  To put it simply, pet loss does not fit in with the ‘grieving rules’ of our society.  Perhaps you have heard “there must be something wrong with you”, “it was just a dog, cat, rat, bird”; “aren’t you over that yet?” or “why don’t you just get another animal!”.  As a pet loss bereavement counsellor, I’ve heard this experience described more times than I’d like.  And whilst there will always be people that don’t understand the unique human-pet bond us animal lovers have come to know, societal minimisation of our loss can add some layers of complexity to grief and healing.  It is important to be patient with yourself and others in the process, (this is a topic I briefly address in my Blog Can grief affect my relationships? https://www.bymyside.net.au/mourning-a-pet-can-grief-affect-your-relationships/).

Disenfranchised grief can leave us feeling misunderstood, we might not feel it is safe to openly express how we feel, and to protect ourselves we then suppress and silence how we truly feel.  This can be the difference between coming to a resolution of our losses or becoming stuck and in a state of chronic distress. It can make things extra tough.

So, what can help us to cope when other people don’t seem to understand the depth of our pain?

Social support has been identified as one of the key essentials for recovery during the grieving process, it is important to find people that “get it” and can understand the depth of pain you feel.  Join a pet loss support group locally or online, a pet loss related support and chat forum, or come along to an Afternoon Tea for pet grief and loss if you are close to western Sydney (more details via www.bymyside.net.au/events) or find a counsellor that specialises or at least recognises this very special and significant grief as they can help you with the intense emotions pet loss can bring.  Other people have experienced similar feelings, you are not alone, you don’t have to face it alone.

Lastly each one of us can contribute to what is called self-disenfranchisement whereby we consider our own grief as not being legitimate, and we can downplay what we are feeling. Please know that you have the right to feel and grieve in your unique way for your beloved pet. Grief is indifferent to the species involved.  Honour yourself and your pet in the process and allow yourself time and space, grief is a natural response to loss, and the reality is if we love deeply, we will grieve deeply.

If you would like to know more about disenfranchised grief you can refer to the works of grief researcher K. J. Doka.

*A BIT ABOUT ME and my journey*

How did By My Side Pet Loss Support come about?  This is a question I get asked a fair bit.

The answer to that question is below.

I will never forget the reaction I received when I lost my mate Boofey back in 2009. There were people that suggested I wasn’t quite ‘right in the head’, that ‘it’ was just a dog and perhaps I was going crazy. These reactions truly made me feel as though I was insane, that perhaps I shouldn’t be grieving so deeply over a dog. I scolded myself repeatedly – you’ve had multiple losses including two brothers, your only siblings, a beautiful friend with a life cut so devastatingly short in the happiest of times, this is ridiculous! Maybe it is just me, I thought. So I ‘sucked it up’ and cried continually in private and put the mask on to ‘function’, which was very barely.

After a prolonged amount of time and lots of study and research I know that everything I was feeling was normal. It was the most intense pain I’d ever felt in my life and it was prolonged largely because my pain was denied, or minimised. I didn’t quite know the depths to which I would feel this loss.

Does it mean that other losses in my life were ‘lesser’ on the intensity scale? Is there a need to compare? I don’t think it’s about comparisons as each and every loss is different but one thing I will say is the humans I have lost weren’t in my care for years, they were capable adults, they weren’t by my side as much as my Boofey was. He was with me all the time, whether in the company of others, or just the two of us. The bond between animal-human is not like any other.

Now I know on that dreaded day in my late 30s:

–
I had to say goodbye to my faithful protector and guard dog that had been by my side since I was 15 and living alone.
–
I lost a constant companion who saw me through many twists and turns in the time he was by my side.
–
I lost a last connection to my eldest brother who had gone long before and had known Boofey when he was a puppy.
–
I lost a ball-obsessed, crazy maniac that chased chooks and was stubborn.
–
I lost a true mate that moved house with me too many times to count on two hands.
–
I lost a presence that grew up with me through my teen years and into my 20s and 30s.
–
I lost my identity as Boofeys mum.

Just a dog?

Pet loss and grief is very painful and very real. We cannot underestimate what someone might be going through when their pet has been diagnosed with a terminal illness; has gone missing; has died unexpectedly; has been hit by a car; is ageing, has died in an emergency such as flood or fire; to be surrendered. It is heartbreaking.

Grieving people aren’t crazy. They aren’t losing their mind, although they may feel that way. They are feeling very intense feelings which depletes them on every level possible, loss shakes us to the core and makes us do a lot of questioning. For a time people are unable to do what they were doing due to their exhaustion.

I will never apologise for loving my Boofey the way I did and still do.  If it wasn’t for ‘just a dog’ I’m not quite sure I’d be still going.

I know that if I could have had validation, acknowledgement and a normalising of my feelings at the time, particularly from professionals that I sought out at the time, it would have made me feel a tiny bit better. To have had a space in which to express my feelings as much as I needed would have been so nice. Pet loss and grief was and still is to an extent hidden away. Thanks to Boofey I now offer a place of non-judgement and can empathise with people that are losing a pet, or have lost pet/s. They can walk their journey of grief whilst I am by their side.

I hope this has answered the question for those that have asked and if this has triggered some intense emotions please reach out to those who ‘get it’. We’re all in this together.

Should’ve, Could’ve, If Only…..

Guilt is a normal emotional response during the early stages of bereavement, but sometimes we can get stuck there and this can prevent our healing.

So why is guilt so much a part of losing a pet?

Did you know anxiety is commonly experienced in grief? I think Author C.S Lewis described this well when he said “no one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing”.

Life isn’t the same after we have experienced a loss, life has changed, things don’t feel quite as certain as they once did. This can cause some anxiety symptoms, such as breathlessness, shakiness, sweating, hot/cold sensations, feeling faint, tightness in chest, palpitations, stomach issues and more. Yes grief is all encompassing.

Symptoms of anxiety can be unpleasant, and scary. But there are things we can do to ease/manage angst when we are in the midst: –

– Give voice to your emotions;
– Do some diaphragmatic breathing;
– Cry to release adrenaline;
– Turn to religious/spiritual beliefs/values to comfort and guide you;
– Exercise to release feel-good chemicals;
– Remember sometimes getting through the day is enough;
– Connect with others – they can make the difference in coping with grief and anxiety;
– Call upon strengths and how you coped in the past. What were your needs? What helped?
– Meditate.

Be willing to try some of these things also, and be mindful/focused in the moment…

Have coffee with a friend/family member;
Draw/paint/colour-in;
Take up a hobby e.g. photography;
Knit, sew, crochet;
Learn a new subject;
Garden;
Hike, walk, run;
Go to a movie, concert, or play;
Do some scrap booking.

It is important to accept our needs regardless of what we were like before we lost our beloved pet. You may need to be more active or more quiet than usual, talk or contemplate more; whatever you need is OK. Your loss is legitimate and painful so do what is right for you at this time. If you can only do the above suggestions in small doses, there will still be a benefit, getting a reprieve from anxiety is good even if for a few minutes. Finding ways to manage anxiety is personal so finding what is right for you can take some time and work but it’s worth it.

If anything in this article has triggered you, or you know someone who is struggling with grief and loss, please seek support. You can contact me via my website www.bymyside.net.au, via phone 0401 809 666 or via www.facebook.com/Bymysideau